もって無い + なくなた

after 3 months of avoiding me. i had my answer and email from the ex.

she said she is a bad girl. she decided to get together with a japanese guy and she did love me. well at least now i have a closure. she asked if i'm okay? obviously not but i will, in time to come.
my self-esteem just dropped by half. i have self-esteem issues, seriosuly. someone said to me that i was the kind of person that wanted a girlfriend because i was lonely and just needed accompany. the truth is, don't we all? we have friends to keep us company when we are bored or downed. for me, it doesn't matter how long i meet that someone special. what matters most to me is the chemistry! and i really did love her with all my heart. i honestly do. i really have to thank her for showing me there was love when i stop believing in it. i think everyone of us has a void inside of us. we filled it up with friends, sports other stuffs. for me, i guess i am the kind of person that live to love. i am motivated by love. i know it sounds stupid but that's me. i get all my motivations from love. that includes, family and friends love too!

first day of work? how was it? sucked really bad. i got a ticket for legally parking. hundred bucks...shiet. and i had fever last night...so i swallowed panadol in the morning. my sore throat is gone now, just left with flu, coughing and feverish. lucky me i get to go home early today due to sickness and also because i was new. why am i sick on my first day of job? well, i think i was walking under the hot sun on sunday to the train station and i never like the heat. i'm more of snow person than sunny. not to mention, i was tired yesterday but still manage to dragged myself out to have brunch and followed by a drink at starbucks which later on rained. drinking cold coffee on a rainy day is so not advisable.

i knew i was gonna get sick because i've been going out a lot and i know i won't have time to hang out anymore after i start working.

i also realised that this is not the kind of job i want to do for life. 9 till late isn't very good for health. i really envy ppl who goes home early. those 9-5 kind of jobs! there is always a price to pay for in life i guess. for the money, i need to sacriface my time and health. for love, i sacriface time, money and maybe youth. getting to know someone takes a lot of afford and time. and that is why we all loved and have emotional break downs because we sacrifaced something and it's gone like that. sometimes, i wonder what is the value of money and love. we can't buy love but we can sure buy someone flowers and dinners. money can't buy health but yet we work our arses off just to get by the day, for some ppl that is.

which is shit really. what is the meaning of living if we just work and work, our health gets deteriorated by the day. thank goodness i took almost a year off work just to get to know myself more and may be figure out what's more to life than just working. finding love in nz was totally not part of the plan. i swear. it just found it's way to me.

now i can say i'm back to square one again. i'm back to the emo me. i'm back to the place i hated most. the kind of job i don't see myself working for the rest of my life...and not feeling belonging. may be i just have to have faith in my sister's prayers and next year's impromptu snowboarding trip!!

tonight, i told my sister how much i love her. i hardly say that word for my family. they mean the world to me. so don't say i only give a hoot about girls only. lol :P