何も変わらない.

after a long hiatus

new zealand / photographer - takuya

i can't help but to miss nz so much...after viewing some photos via facebook. i miss the crazy snowboarding days, the scenery, the laughters and tears, hard times and happy times, and i convinced myself i found true love at last then, so many memories rushing back into my head tonight. it's crazy just by looking at photos can bring back so much emotions that has been or still stirring inside. ask me if i achieve anything so far? i don't know. i do know that i will not live a normal life the way i imagine myself living because when i was younger, i told myself i would go to uni, graduate and get a job, a steady girlfriend and may be marry by 28? the truth is, we can plan out our life but we can never guess what's coming our way. everytime i go back to my hometown. i see my close friends getting along just fine with their girlfriends. the next time i go back, i see them taking it into the next level, which is marriage, and this time, i see a lot of my friends with babies on the way or already out from the oven. it kind of makes me think where am i in life. i do feel i'm not in the rush to get into any relationship or marriage for that matter but the little voice inside of my head keeps telling me that i don't want to miss out on any of this. the kiasu-ness is beginning to emerge. it's deadly. i feel like time is a ticking bomb...is it time to come back to this small town for good? and plan my life for the next 50 years (if i do live pass that)? i have been procrastinating for some years now about returning home but do i really want to or just because of the responsibility as the eldest child in the family? it bothers me, the thought of coming home and settling down. i remember why i wanted to work in the big city and leave this place in the first place, it was mostly about freedom, avoiding gossips, small town mentality, the funny staring and other sorts of irrelevant matters. but seems like the grass is not always greener on the other patch. i've been away for almost 9 years now. i don't think i will ever get used to eating alone, going to movies alone, exercising alone, in the big city. it wears me out. the loneliness does creeps in at times. as much as i like to think so, i am pretty sure i am not the only one facing this situation. therefore i am not really "alone" in this. oh well, the least i can do is to enjoy the few more days of homecook and family while i am here. this is me signing off!