i'm lost in myself again. i want to wasureru kedo muri. i want to say ikanaide kedo muri. kimino seide fuan da...kimino seide shiawasedatta...kimino seide i'm lost...so lost. i want to escape this feeling kedo muri. shinyoshite i tell myself but can i really? mainichi i try to learn as much nihon go so i can have conversations with u. kedo mada mada...
where should i go from here...dokoni ikuno?
what should i do from now...dousiyou?

this morning, out of randomness, i was at friend's place and weighted myself. it was shocking because i lost 6kgs since i last came here. at 48kg now, i'm no where near a healthy weight. no way.
one of my friends said that i worried too much about life. in other words, stressed. am i really so stressed out about life? from an outsider, they probably tell me that i'm a happy go lucky don't care about anything and live life to the fullest but am i really?

i want to be happy again.
will i be happy again?
is it really over?

i am lost in the middle of nowhere. in the middle of no where, will i find myself again?

i can only hope and do my best.


love beats everything

it's amazing how time really flies. it's been almost 6 months now since i last step foot on nz soil. it's been fun and heaps of exciting events during my stay here. not to mention lots of ups and downs. i met a lot of wonderful people and new mates. about my visa, i am still waiting as it will takes about 6o days for the immigration to give a me reply. so as u can see, my visa status now is on "pending" mode. i can stay in nz for the period of "pending". along this time, i met and found someone i hope and wish to share my heart with. she is awesome. she is a great snowboarder, probably my snowboarding sensei too. it has not been easy. at times, i feel like i'm trying to maintain my life, snowboarding, work and her, struggling pieces of puzzles. the greatest fear now is losing her. her flight leave next week to japan. i may and might not see her again for a long period of time. possibility of changing her flight ticket is uncertain. so many uncertainties i am facing. what am i going to do when she goes back. what am i going to do next when i leave nz in november (a big "IF" if i get my visa approved). there is these 2 guys i shared a 8 beds room with is asking me to go to japan to work for them next march. they want to start a backpacker + cafe business in Hakuba, Nagano (where winter olympic was held some years ago). this is also one of the uncertainties i have to go through as they will be my boss and manager. it's different when we are friends and being your superior. i don't want to think about it but it does bothers me even the slightest bits. they are nice ppl no doubts. i'm just feeling wary that they might work me to deaths...hahahaha as japanese are known to be workaholic in asians work groups. ok, may be i'm too skeptical. this is another few months more short of time. i need not worry about it now.
i found myself in a very awkward situation now. at times, i feel like i want to give up this relationship as it is near to a love suicide. some friends said i should have never started this r/s. it's a little bit late for this as i don't think i can give her up now. trying to stay and think positive and just enjoy the time i have left with her and make it a memory i will cherish for the rest of my life. i kept telling myself this over and over in my mind. it's hard. harder than i could imagine it to be. i think all my life, i've been struggling with love. may be a wee too much. i should take it easy. if it is meant to be, it is meant to be. no worries, everything is ok! (that's one of my jap's friend motto)
i need the strength and power to get through this period of time. i really do. please let me have the best winter season ever. life is short. i guess each and everyone of us want and need more time. time is never enough. like they say, may the best man wins! but i would like think, may the sweetest moments be remembered and reminisced over and over again.


today i went to immigration again to extend my visa. i'm really loving snowboarding and good times and new tomodachi here in methven. yokattane. had my application dropped off at the immigration office and what i do now is just wait.
life is pretty good now. i am liking this lifestyle. snowboarding by day, working by night. though it's tiring but good fun!
it's really good to have nice friends to ride with on the mountain. sometimes i like riding by myself as i'm more of a freestyler than a freerider. there are heaps of good japanese snowboarders. this is good as i am learning from them. it's been almost 20 times up the mountain for me but still not that good tho. i'm progressing as the day passes. i hope and i want to be as good as my friend or even better than my snowboarding sensei.
not sure if i mentioned this before but i am getting a bit homesick now. missing the food and ppl back home. especially my family and my homies. before i came to nz, i always thought of wanting to work here but now i changed my mind. not that nz is not a good place to earn and live but i like to think of it as a place to travel and enjoy instead of just working my ass off like how it was before in the big capital of home country. i'm looking forward to go home soon but not so soon. i miss my cosy room and big house and also my dog. how was the beijing olympic opening? i missed it last week cos i was working at the thai restaurant. hopefully someone recorded it down so i might have a chance to view it when i am free. youtube or anything, doesn't matter.
the truth is i am dead tiring now as i woke up at 5.30am this morning to snow covered town of methven and went to christchurch with my friend driving me and another fella sleeping at the back of the car! hahha....very tiring day as i had to queue up for the immigration "lines" before it opens it doors to the public. not to mentioned my clumsy friend who left his car key in the car and we had to stand in the cold and had the mechanic to open the car's door but failed miserably. last call was the lock smith and in less than 10 seconds, the car was opened! it took us 60 dollars off our wallet : ( sadly...

anyhow, it's time for bed. till then, keep warm, at least for those in nz and cold climates!