I wonder if this is the life I always wanted. I could or would have taken a different route in life but what it is is what it is now.


after an afternoon long conversation yesterday with a friend.
we had come to a conclusion that a much needed change is essential.
truth be told, I don't know how but I must.

we are always taught to fit in society but in reality, we are who we are.
we can't change who we are inside.
may be little by little?

it's that season again. loads of self-reflection, job hunt, doubts and so forth.

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Wonder if anyone still visit this blog of mine.

They say love can change a person in many ways.
I wonder if I have become a better person or worst.

What's for sure is I know love still hurts after so many years.

For now, I just want to be at peace with myself.
No more no less.




we can't change what others think about us or how they act but we can change who we are and how we want to react to life, shitty situations or even how we feel on a particular day or certain things.

it's all in the state of mind.


i know it's a little late but have a marvellous new year ppl!!
may all that you dream will come true! ; )


what i really need right now is a long vacation not thinking about anything. just free my mind and soul. may be i should. there will always be work. when is the time for myself or yourself for that matter? which brings me to a conversation at dinner that reminds me that "we only live once"!

why not go all out! i'm tired of this rat race!



of late, things has been going the opposite direction for me. i find myself struggling to understand simple things in life. i realised that no matter how much i try to save up, it always end up far less than what i have anticipated. i also realised that the harder i try, the harder the fall is. may be i should try just enough so i know i have already done my very best. effort is the word.

i won't be able to sit for the jlpt (for those who has no clue what it means, it's an abbreviation of japanese language proficiency test) which will fall next month due to my own careless mistake. another classmate and i signed up for the jlpt preparatory class but did not sign up for the jlpt registration which was done online. i blame this solely on no one but myself. even so i partly felt that the person who was in charge of notifying us wasn't doing their job well. what's done is done. our sensei advised us to take up level n4 instead of level n5 next year! will really need to put in effort for studying and remembering to sign up online.

another few more days and i'll be having 1 month off work. chilling, relaxing, holidaying? perhaps not, as nihongo kurasu is still on twice a week. i'm already thinking where i should fly off to so i can take my mind off many things. i'm literally going insane gradually :/



the other day, i dreamt about you. even with my might, i couldn't recall exactly what happened in the dream but you were there and it was very comforting. i felt love again. strange enough, the feeling was just like when you and i were madly in love. is it real? i know deep inside my heart, it was, or at least i feel that i really loved and being loved in return, even after 2 years of separation. somewhere along, my mind and heart had set a standard, and i had made you somewhat the standard. any logical and reasonable mind would tell me that this is unjust. may be because you were everything i ever hope and dream of. it was as if the universe has finally answered my prayer although it was a brief one.

may be someday i will live this "dream" again and love unconditionally. if i don't, i will cherish you even for the briefest happiest moments of my life. ありがとう!


snowboarding is like falling in love. it hurts when you fall but despite all the pain you have to endure, you get up with a smile on your face cos you know you love riding so much nobody can ever take that away from you even though it could be your first or last season on the snow.




after a long hiatus

new zealand / photographer - takuya

i can't help but to miss nz so much...after viewing some photos via facebook. i miss the crazy snowboarding days, the scenery, the laughters and tears, hard times and happy times, and i convinced myself i found true love at last then, so many memories rushing back into my head tonight. it's crazy just by looking at photos can bring back so much emotions that has been or still stirring inside. ask me if i achieve anything so far? i don't know. i do know that i will not live a normal life the way i imagine myself living because when i was younger, i told myself i would go to uni, graduate and get a job, a steady girlfriend and may be marry by 28? the truth is, we can plan out our life but we can never guess what's coming our way. everytime i go back to my hometown. i see my close friends getting along just fine with their girlfriends. the next time i go back, i see them taking it into the next level, which is marriage, and this time, i see a lot of my friends with babies on the way or already out from the oven. it kind of makes me think where am i in life. i do feel i'm not in the rush to get into any relationship or marriage for that matter but the little voice inside of my head keeps telling me that i don't want to miss out on any of this. the kiasu-ness is beginning to emerge. it's deadly. i feel like time is a ticking bomb...is it time to come back to this small town for good? and plan my life for the next 50 years (if i do live pass that)? i have been procrastinating for some years now about returning home but do i really want to or just because of the responsibility as the eldest child in the family? it bothers me, the thought of coming home and settling down. i remember why i wanted to work in the big city and leave this place in the first place, it was mostly about freedom, avoiding gossips, small town mentality, the funny staring and other sorts of irrelevant matters. but seems like the grass is not always greener on the other patch. i've been away for almost 9 years now. i don't think i will ever get used to eating alone, going to movies alone, exercising alone, in the big city. it wears me out. the loneliness does creeps in at times. as much as i like to think so, i am pretty sure i am not the only one facing this situation. therefore i am not really "alone" in this. oh well, the least i can do is to enjoy the few more days of homecook and family while i am here. this is me signing off!


a lot of things has happened since i left the land of the long white clouds. sometimes i cannot deny it was indeed a magical place. it was a place where i found myself again. i felt like i was belong again then. happy and sad moments i had. it has been almost 2 years since i left that happy place. i have no longer hear her happy laughters nor her warm touch. once a while, i still think of her like it was still yesterday. i've came to reality like how i left it 2 years ago. so it seems that i'm longing to travel and re-discover my inner self again. in this city of mist, i somehow lost the meaning of life. i am no longer the designer i used to be. my current life has been slow, a lil' more healthier and probably more boring. not much of excitement. it's like i'm coming to the end of my youth days. i also come to term that my carefree days will soon come to an end although i long for more. it is very subjective to each individual. being the eldest in the family also means i can't always be carefree. i have a duty as a son, to the mother whom long for my return, to a father that hopes the son becomes the father one day. all of these doesn't make it any easier. i'm not particularly good at relationships and seems to suck at it most of the time. i did move on with life after the amazing time i had with the her i met in the land of the long white clouds. the latest incident left me fresh wound, fallen, shaken, but still on my knee. i shall dust the dirts off and face myself in time. i know life is not always fair and square but i learn to live with it. my sensei is back in her home country and missing every bit of where she left and still dealing with the emotions. i believe the classmates missed her dearly and hope to see her again. i do hope to see her again the the near future. it was the reasons i long for the twice a week nihongo class where laughters and fun we had after a tiring day at work. people comes and goes, few stays, you just need to know who is real and true. other matters not.


trying to cope with the fact that araki sensei will be leaving malaysia for good.
trying to cope with the fact that this will be the last year to enjoy my 20s.
trying to cope with the fact that i am back to where i was before i set my journey to middle earth.

life is not as easy as it seems sometimes.


cathy nguyen's laugh is infectious! not to mention mecha mecha kawaii! : )


i wonder

i wonder if i will ever going to meet anyone quite like you.
because you made my heart race everytime we are close and apart.
to feel what it is to feel love and to be loved.
i wonder if i will ever going to meet you.
to feel belong.
to have a purpose in life.
i wonder if all of this is just mere fantasy of a wandering soul.
to seek the other part of the soul some of us believe to be searching for.
or it's just really just me.
i wonder.


feeling a bit pek chek (moody) now cos had a stupid accident while surfing at cherating today.

injury: back fin was slightly "bitten off", repair money to this hungarian dude whose board had a slight cut at the side who thinks he's good at surfing but judging from the way he surfs, he's nothing mere than a beginner like myself. oh well, better luck next time.

so not my day. pffs


surf's up

last weekend, i was in cherating for the billabong occy grom comp.
it was an interesting experience and exposure as i witnessed local boys compete for the top.
i can honestly say that it will probably takes me years or more to be good at surfing cos watching them doing those tricks and manoeuver in the water is just breathtaking.
i wish i was good at surfing and skateboarding as good as i am in snowboarding but sadly i'm not.
well, everything takes times no?

surfers enjoying the afternoon of sun and fun.

the sandy bottomless beach. it's hard not to not like it.
i will be back for more.

p/s: looking for surfing buddies (preferably kl or pj), whether u r beginner or pro, and interested for weekend surfing, do drop me a line or two.



looks like i don't frequent here as often as i do. spent my new year eve at friend's place talking to newly met german friends, eating, drinking and watching fireworks from every imaginable angle possible. had been surfing a bit, still not good at it but will keep on trying. probably hitting cherating tomorrow if my body allows me (still recovering from high fever 2 days ago). life is good. not fantastic. one thing i want or hope to achieve this year is to be more carefree and may be travel or backpack somewhere i always wanted to if the bank allows me that is ; )



i believe that my time will come.